In part 2 on dating I want to answer the critical question: Who should Christians even consider dating? The Bible provides clear guidance, offering a standard that stands in sharp contrast to the world’s approach to relationships. In this article, I want draw from Scripture to outline four non-negotiable traits for a potential spouse, along with secondary considerations, to ensure our relationships honor God and align with His design for marriage. These principles help believers pursue partners who strengthen their faith and reflect the gospel.
Four Non-Negotiable Traits for a Christian Spouse
- A Person of the Opposite Sex
Scripture establishes marriage as a covenant between a man and a woman, reflecting God’s design and Christ’s relationship with the Church. Genesis 2:24 states, “A man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” Jesus affirms this in Matthew 19:4-6, and Ephesians 5:24-32 further illustrates marriage as a picture of Christ’s union with His bride, the Church. For Christians, dating should align with this biblical model, pursuing only those of the opposite sex for romantic relationships. - A Believer in the Triune God of the Bible
2 Corinthians 6:14 commands, “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers.” A potential spouse must share your faith in the Triune God—Father, Son, and Holy Spirit—as revealed in Scripture. “Missional dating,” or dating with the intent to convert someone, is unbiblical and unwise. While Christians should build friendships with non-believers to share the gospel, romantic relationships require a shared commitment to Christ. An unbeliever’s differing values and goals can hinder spiritual unity, making it essential to date only those who profess genuine faith in the God of the Bible. - A Pursuer of Jesus Christ
Beyond mere belief, a potential spouse must actively follow Jesus, living in obedience and growing in faith. Ask yourself: Does this person draw me closer to Christ or pull me away? A true pursuer of Jesus fears the Lord, spends time in His Word, and centers their life on Him. Proverbs 31:30 declares, “Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” This principle applies to both men and women—godliness is the most attractive quality, surpassing fleeting traits like appearance or charm. A partner’s pursuit of Christ ensures a relationship that glorifies God. - Someone Who Can Keep the Same Spiritual Pace
Imagine running a marathon: a partner who matches your pace pushes you forward, while a slower runner holds you back. This doesn’t mean identical spiritual maturity, but a shared commitment to Christ’s mission. If you’re called to radical obedience—perhaps serving overseas—but your partner prefers a comfortable, Sunday-only faith, conflict will eventially arise. Dating while engaged in ministry often fosters natural connections with like-minded believers, as you’re already pursuing similar goals. Choose someone whose spiritual pace complements and encourages your walk with Christ.
Secondary Considerations in Choosing a Spouse
In addition to these non-negotiables, you should also consider the following factors to ensure compatibility:
- Theological Compatibility
Differences in doctrine or denomination—such as Baptist, Presbyterian, or Church of Christ—can impact a relationship. Discuss second-tier theological issues early to avoid future tension. For example, differing views on baptism or church governance may require compromise or alignment. Open conversations about theology help ensure you’re united in faith and practice. - Social Compatibility
A strong relationship thrives on friendship and shared enjoyment. Do you have fun together? Do you share similar interests? Laughter and companionship build a foundation for a lasting marriage. While not as critical as spiritual alignment, social compatibility enhances your ability to enjoy life together. - Physical Attraction
Physical attraction is a natural part of choosing a spouse, and it’s unlikely you’ll marry someone you find unattractive. However, it should not be the primary focus. As Proverbs 31:30 warns, physical beauty fades, but godliness endures. Attraction often deepens or fades based on a person’s character. Someone’s love for Christ can make them more appealing over time, while a lack of godliness can even diminish physical beauty. As Marshall Segal notes in his book Not Yet Married, “Godliness should be the most attractive thing about the most attractive people.”
These traits—both non-negotiable and secondary—guide Christians toward a spouse who shares their faith, pursues Christ, and aligns with their spiritual and social life. For men, a woman who doesn’t love the Lord offers only fleeting beauty; for women, a man who doesn’t fear God cannot lead spiritually. By prioritizing these qualities, we ensure our relationships point to Jesus, preparing us for a marriage that reflects the gospel. Whether single or seeking, keep Christ first, trusting Him to guide you to a partner who strengthens your faith and mission.
Tethered to Truth 